My friend Scott Russseau trains service departments inside of automotive dealerships and franchises throughout the United States. The last dealership I ran was one of his clients. One day, in a training session, Scott shared the words that are the title of this blog. It’s a modern day take on “when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.” He used this moniker to illustrate the breakdowns in communication that often happen between service advisors and customers. You know the feeling when you drop your car off and the advisor says he will take good care of you and have it finished for you “today.” You are nearing the end of your work day and wondering what the status of your car is. You need it to take the kids to soccer practice later that night. You assumed that today would have been earlier than 5pm. He assumed you didn’t need the car and still hasn’t gotten to the oil change yet because they are open until 7pm. And so, the assumptions made by all here mothered quite the situation. If you think about the quote for a moment, Scott’s axiom isn’t only true in service departments. It also happens in marriages, friendships, sales, and throughout organizations.
I recently was on a coaching call with an employee. He was sharing a story with me about some disappointments he had with his transition to leadership. He started listing a number of things that the business owner should be doing. He went on to explain that when the business owner didn’t do the things that he thought he should, it communicated to him that he wasn’t valued and the employee wondered if he still wanted him in that leadership position.
When he finished speaking I asked, “Did he tell you that he doesn’t want you in that position?”
“No, but he is making me feel that way.”
“Have you asked him if he felt that way?”
“Well, no, but…” he trailed off.
“How has this story you have created in your mind turned this into a self-fulfilling prophecy? Here you are saying he doesn’t want you in this position, and you are simultaneously blaming others and not leading.”
The conversation changed at that moment. What this employee realized was he had created a story that was very powerful in his mind and he was living as if it was true. To him, it was. CS Lewis once wrote, “Suspicion often creates what it suspects.” In other words, you’ll find exactly what you are looking for. It seems comforting in the moment to create these grand narratives, holding onto them with a death grip, and certain that if other people just saw it your way everything could be great. Ironically, all the other people have their own way of viewing it.
The next morning I called the business owner and client who hired me.
“Are you open to some feedback that I think could make you a better leader and strengthen the company?” I asked. I always give my clients permission to receive feedback. Find out why here with my previous blog “There’s a Booger In Your Nose.”
“Absolutely,” he said.
I provided him with some context and then let him know that this leadership transition was not going well. He agreed and went on to explain all of the reasons why the employee wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain.
“That’s interesting,” I said. “He feels the same way.”
“Yes, but…” He went on to explain how he feels and shared some views he had about the employee’s work ethic changing and the reason why that was the case.
“Do you know this for sure?,” I asked.
“Well, no, but…” he trailed off.
Two people talking about the same things with two different opinions based upon two different perspectives. And those two different perspectives are pregnant with assumptions that are mothering screw ups for the business. An employee is dissatisfied. The owner is frustrated, not getting the results he wants, and his wife is noticing that work is bleeding over into home life.
What actually is most true in this situation? Well, the answer is somewhere in between. Communication needs to improve on both sides. One of the things that was clear in our conversation was that there is no regularly scheduled meeting rhythm. The employee and the business owner only talked when they had to, as opposed to having proactive communication that promotes consistent touchpoints so that resentments don’t build up. It forces us to talk to one another before things get out of control. If you aren’t having regular 1:1 meetings with your direct reports on a weekly basis, don’t be surprised that both of you are making lots of assumptions about what success looks like and both of you are disappointed. Regular communication humanizes us and facilitates trust.
Another thing that stuck out to me in speaking with these two individuals is that they both were certain of what the motivations of the other person were. Certainty is a toxin that poisons our minds. When we think we know something, we lose our appetite to remain curious and consider other possibilities. When we close ourselves off to our blindspots, we stop learning. When we stop learning we stop growing. When we stop growing we become more certain of the things that we think we know which we really don’t, and the vicious spiral continues. We befriend people who are on our side and encourage the narrative we are telling ourselves. We choose one story over another because it justifies our experience. All the while we become less and less effective. As opposed to focusing on what can be improved, we are focused on justifying the stories we’ve told ourselves. And, ironically, we keep finding more and more proof for our story, meanwhile blaming other people.
What does this have to do with leadership and organizational health? Well, just about everything. I’ve written before about blindspots and generous intent. That is part of what I am talking about here, but what I’m really calling attention to is how assuming is a destructive form of internal communication. It’s a one way conversation that doesn’t give the other person permission to speak. Strong communication is forged with regular, open, honest, and clear discussions that result in agreements. It recaps what was discussed and leaves each person expressing themselves and making agreements on how things will move forward. It fosters curiosity rather than judgment. It takes down barriers and promotes progress and growth. And the biggest assumption that we can make is that these things will happen without intentionality.