“No one wants that in business.” The comment came as part of a discussion I was having with the CEO of an organization whose board I was on. It was referring to what he had observed in me as “acting like a priest,” and by that he meant, well, I have no idea. I failed to ask in the shock of the moment. Given the context, it was as if he was being critical of my focus on putting vision, purpose, and humanity first. He and I had developed a great working relationship and friendship over the 10+ years that we knew one another. I had recently challenged him on how the organization needed to move forward. It had been stuck for quite some time. There were lots of discussions about initiatives at board meetings, but little would ever happen. We had reached the time-tested definition of insanity—you know, doing the same thing and expecting different results. Our last conversation had been over the phone while I was in Florida. When I got back home, I went to his office to share with him that I wanted to step down because our working relationship was straining our friendship, and it had become clear he was unwilling to change the way he was operating. I did end up resigning, and tried everything in my power to keep our friendship going but he wasn’t willing.
I left that meeting with my head spinning. On the one hand, I was hurt because of some of the things that were said. I was grieving that our friendship appeared to be ending. Most of all, however, I was confused. Was who I was showing up to be really repelling people? I brought this information to my coach, and we spent some time unpacking it. And, frankly, it turned into a catalytic event for my business.
One of the big takeaways from my conversation with my coach was that this CEO was attached to his view of me from 10 years ago. I had changed and he hadn’t. I wanted to keep growing, living into the fullness of who I was created to be. You see, coaching is a funny profession like that. The best coaches are the ones who are doing growth work themselves. They aren’t the trainer who instructs someone to abstain from sugar while they chew on a donut during your workout. They aren’t the doctor who walks in and tells you to stop smoking cigars while the Febreeze fails to cover up the cigarette they just had before they walked into the room. Leadership is influence, and if coaches want to influence others to do the hard work, then they must go first. With my coach’s help, it was obvious that there was some dissonance with this CEO here. He wanted Josh back from 2015 while I wanted to keep living into the Josh of 2035. She wisely pointed out that the more we grow, the more power that is channeled through us, the more people will have no idea what to do with it.
So what did I do? I leaned into what I was doing even more, and my business grew seven times as a result of it. Recently, I saw someone compare leadership to an orchestra conductor. It’s an old analogy that we have all heard before. You know the maestro picks up the baton and conducts while everyone plays their individual instrument to produce a beautiful symphony. Here is where this took a twist for me, though—it highlighted that the conductor turns his back to the audience to lead his team. He turns his back. This point shouldn’t be missed. He’s not looking at the audience and conducting differently based upon their responses. He is conducting the piece in full and then turning to the audience to hear their applause or displeasure. This takes courage, commitment, and intentionality.
One of the other valuable things that came out of my conversation with my coach is the concept that there are plenty of people in the world who would value having a coach who wasn’t an in-their-face-jerk. They would value someone who maintained integrity with empathy, drive with purpose, and the truth with kindness. There are people who value the way they win as important as the win itself. So the job became to find ways to speak to their values, their pain points, and their aspirations. As a result, I changed up my networking strategy. I began to explore finding more people like this. I began to share stories that showcased the types of things that I valued and was looking for in a client. The results have been the creation of some extraordinary relationships with incredible men and women.
And the last thing that I want to share with you about what I learned from this experience is that trying harder, doing more, and being tougher has its limits. Effectiveness matters more than efficiency. Our obsession with getting things done faster has me wondering how much we value getting them done right. There is a balance, of course, and that is the point. It’s not all effectiveness with no consideration for efficiency, and the opposite is also true. We can be human beings and have success in business. We can have a great family and build wealth. We can have calendars that allow for us to be creative, explore, and take a break while still being productive. We can have the life we’ve always wanted without sacrificing our physical, mental, and spiritual health in the process. It’s an unpopular message, I know, but that doesn’t change what’s true. In fact, that is a conversation I have often with my clients. Our thoughts create powerful feelings and they must be measured against the litmus test of what is actually true. I have a particular client whose tendency is to catastrophize. He learns about a particular situation and begins attributing intent to others, and playing out situations in his mind that have little consideration for the truth of the facts in the situation. As a result, he lives a very anxious life. He’s not alone. It’s why we need people in our lives who can bring us back to what’s true. The truth is that we can be fully human and achieve things that “satisfy us, delight us, and demand our best efforts.” Success is not a popularity contest. It’s deeply personal and individually defined.