You checked, didn’t you? I did.
I was sitting at a cigar networking event talking with an experienced change management executive. We were having a stimulating conversation about supporting and coaching successful and powerful people when he said, “There’s a booger in your nose.” I immediately put my right hand up to my nose to check. Then, for good measure, I also raised my left hand up to check.
He had taken a short pause while I checked, then explained, “That’s what I tell executives to build trust. You see,” he went on to explain, “they are not used to people doing that for them. I do it to demonstrate to them that I am the type of person who would tell them.” In doing so, he wouldn’t allow them to keep walking around, heading out in public, or taking meetings while everyone looked at what was hanging out of his or her nose as opposed to the words that were coming out of their mouths.
It’s a funny and simple example, so humorous and easy to relate to that it really drives home the point. People who are willing to risk being liked, forgo their status in the company, or subject themselves to temporary discomfort for the benefit of someone else is a true servant. This type of service is rare and incredibly valuable. Employees often think that their leaders have all the answers, see everything, know everything, and their decisions are perfect. Any of us who have served under a leader know this isn’t true. This is a myth of the command and control style of leadership which has been pervasive for decades, and thankfully is being replaced for a more decentralized, delegated, and integrated form of leadership.
As leaders become more experienced, the healthy ones start to realize that the more experience they have, the less they know. It’s counterintuitive to think that with more life experience you have, more lessons you’ve learned from mistakes, and the more victories you’ve earned the less you know. Nevertheless, all of these things make us more aware of just how much we don’t know. It’s a profound irony that can easily be missed and prevent a leader and organization from achieving its potential. And the healthiest of leaders lean into this realization with humility and curiosity. They vulnerably share struggles, seek feedback, and embrace the growth opportunities presented.
So, assuming your experience lines up or you are at least humbly willing to consider another way, let’s talk about how you develop the muscle to offer this kind of feedback.
First, ask for consent. I recently was at a one-to-one networking meeting with someone. About halfway through the meeting they started telling me what I should be doing, things they observed in me, and what my business challenges were. We had initially met at a group networking event, but had only been in a one-to-one setting for one hour. I shared with this person at the end of our conversation that he didn’t have my consent to coach me. The reason that he didn’t have my consent is because (1) he really doesn’t know me, and (2) he didn’t even ask for my permission.
Interestingly, I’ve received two phone calls since my conversation with him in which he repeatedly thanked me for helping him to understand how to be invited in to share with people what he sees and how he can help. It’s helped him to grow his business in a way he didn’t even know was possible.
We are much more willing to hear feedback from someone when they ask us first. Here are some questions that I have learned over time which help to create this type of conversion:
- “If I saw something in you that I thought was an obstacle to your success, would you want me to share it with you?”
- “I see extraordinary potential in you and what I am seeing right now doesn’t match that potential. May I share what I see going on to help you live into the fuller potential I see in you?” This is modified from Adam Grant.
- “Are you open to exploring something?”
One of my favorite stories in the Bible is in John 5. It’s the story of Jesus healing a man who had an infirmity for 38 years. Jesus begins the dialogue with the man by asking, “Do you want to be well?” He doesn’t force something on him that he doesn’t want. We can’t take people to a place they don’t want to go. Their answer to these types of questions reveal their own level of humility.
Secondly, I’ve had the opportunity to share lots of feedback over my career. I have also had the experience to witness a lot. The biggest mistake that I have observed when people offer feedback – aside from getting consent – is dragging it out. I was recently in a meeting with a client and his executive team who is having his marketing agency redesign a logo. The agency rep asked what my client thought of the logo. There was a long pause. Everyone was waiting for the first person to talk, because the executive team knew that the logos provided weren’t even close to what they wanted. Finally, my client started with the, “Well…” and then he went on to try and say what he liked while delivering the message that it wasn’t even close. I interrupted him and said, “I’m going to save us all some time here. They don’t like them.” This freed us up to get on with the work of unpacking what would make the logo better as opposed to trying to confuse the poor agency rep by simultaneously trying to make them feel good and tell them we don’t like the logo. We think that it’s being really kind to soften the blow and manage people’s feelings. It’s not kind. It’s confusing. The kindest thing we can do is to tell them the truth from one human being to another. This agency rep just delivered a revision that everyone unanimously liked because we offered him the feedback he needed to improve the draft.
Lastly, keep it short, sweet, and future-focused. The point of a conversation like this is clarity for the future. It isn’t to rehash every single detail. I recall being on a coaching call with a manager and their direct report once. They were having a conversation about some things that weren’t going well. The manager apologized for something they did wrong and the employee didn’t accept their apology because of the way that they said it. The employee continued to try and relitigate the whole situation, trying to control how the manager thought of it and acted. That lacked generous intent and was creating an obstacle to moving forward. Naturally the past will be part of the conversation, but only so it can allow for any amends that need to be made and for the two individuals to move forward, learning from the past and creating a different future.
I’m in the process of doing a 360-review with a client. This is a tool used to help people understand how others are experiencing them, what they are doing well, and where they could improve. This client and I started working together about six months ago and in our initial meeting he said to me, “I don’t know what I don’t know.” That confession of humility is what has led him to allow me to speak with others in his life to learn their experiences of him and reflect those back to him so he can become aware of what is needed to become an even better leader. When a light is shined on what has previously been in the darkness, we can actually do something about it. It’s in the light where we can see our boogers and clean our noses.