It’s a catchy blog title, at least I think it is. It makes for catchy social media posts, too. We like it when we see it, but, man, when it comes right down to it, trusting the process can be hard. After all, we have weight we want to lose, things we want to purchase, and a lifestyle we want to create. And more than wanting those things, we want them when we want them—read NOW! And so when obstacles appear to be in the way, “luck” isn’t in our favor, or pretty much anything happens that delays what we want, we get thrown off. Some of us get angry, some get discouraged, some have a good cry. Doubt creeps in. We become more cynical than optimistic. More obstacles appear—this time, ones we have created—and they move us further away from what we originally wanted by the second.
Does this sound familiar? Have you ever had self-sabotaging thoughts like this?
My guess is that you have. Recently, this is a pattern I have been seeing repeatedly with clients. I’ve spent a bit of time trying to think through the root cause of this pattern, but I ultimately gave up because, frankly, the “why” doesn’t really matter. The pattern, however, that I uncovered is that we need to spend time detaching ourselves from outcomes and learning the power of becoming more resilient.
We think that something that happens outside of us will create something inside of us. What I have learned in life and in business is that the exact opposite is true. Our thoughts shape our actions.
I recently was speaking with a friend of mine and I was sharing with him how much time I spend talking with leaders and business owners about their mindset. I was observing that this was a surprise to me, compared to what I had originally thought when I started my practice. He smiled and said, “I could have told you that you would spend most of your time talking about that.” Henry Ford once said, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” It’s our thoughts that shape our actions. When we have a bunch of limiting thoughts, we have a bunch of limiting actions. Our motivation is intrinsic, which is why I believe so strongly in strengths-based leadership. We lead out of our passions and skills which gives us a head start. And not only does it give us a head start, but it helps us to focus on putting one foot in front of the other because we enjoy the work for the work’s sake. I learned this lesson in the creation of my practice. As my coach reflected back to me nearly nine months into our partnership, “Josh, when I first met you, you were so needy.” I laughed and I still do. She was so right, and my neediness for clients was the exact reason I wasn’t getting any clients. Go figure?!
I get asked the question “How?” a lot. What I’ve come to understand is that they really mean: “How do I begin?” How do we detach ourselves from the outcome and be resilient when it feels like—notice that phrase feels like—things aren’t going our way. I recently spent an entire session exploring this very topic with a client. Here is a few things that we came up with:
- Get a change of scenery. Go for a walk. Sit in a different room. Put down what you are working on. Grab a book.
- Journal. Get the junk out of your head and onto a piece of paper.
- Do something that lights you up. Go for a hike. Write. Create art. Whatever it is for you.
- Don’t do anything destructive. My grandfather was sober for over 50 years at his passing, and knowing those traits are in my genes, I never drink on a bad day. That’s not because I’m holy. It’s because I know it could make what I want worse, not better.
- Get the facts. I was speaking with a client recently who told me how they need to lean into their numbers more because all they are is characters on a page. They have no power to encourage or discourage us. They are our friends because they give us a window into what’s true.
- Refocus on what you want and create a pathway forward. The beauty of doing this is that now you have even more information and so you get to begin more intelligently.
I’ll end with this story. Last week, I was at a networking event. A few of my clients were in the room. One of them stood up to speak to give their “60-second.”
“I set a five year revenue goal for myself,” she began. Then she points at me and says “And because of this man, I hit it in two.” I knew this to be true, but I have to admit that my face turned red. I don’t coach for attention. I do it to serve. For context, this client trusts me implicitly. When I make a recommendation, she may ask some clarifying questions, but she always tries it to see what can be learned. She jokingly tells everyone that her prices go up after every one of our meetings. That’s not entirely true—at least not after every meeting! Is she scared of raising her prices? Yes. Does she do it anyway? Yes. Why? Because she trusts the process. And that is why she has doubled her business. I’m just the guy encouraging her to push the limits of what is possible.
We live in the most educated time the world has ever seen, friends. While one would think that would make us smarter, I’m seeing it make us increasingly fearful. Trust the process because it’s a timeless strategy.