Having difficult conversations is rarely enjoyable. However, the benefits of leaning into them and addressing the elephant in the room can have a positive impact in business and in life. Here are a handful of recommendations for you to prepare for your next difficult conversation.
Firstly, it’s important, from the beginning, to acknowledge the humanity in the other person. Seeing them with generous intent—that is, choosing to believe the best—while simultaneously understanding that they make mistakes and may be unaware of them is critical for a healthy confrontation. Therefore, keep your feedback short enough to effectively communicate the point. There is no need to go on and on. That is only serving to feed your frustrations. On the other hand, it is also counterproductive to keep it so short that you aren’t able to share the kind truth. That only relieves some of your own anxiety while not giving the other person the full benefit of the feedback you have for them.
Secondly, be specific about the feedback you have. Dave Ramsey often says, “To be unclear is to be unkind.” Don’t generalize by saying, “You frustrate me sometimes.” Explain how they frustrate you with particular examples. As you are sharing these examples, it is important, again, to do so in light of the person’s humanity. Think of it as sharing a growth opportunity, not releasing your own frustration. Also, as you share examples, keep your focus. Don’t let sidebars and tangential comments creep in to lengthen the conversation beyond what is helpful.
Thirdly, in order to give specific examples, it’s important to prepare. Write down the main point that you will be trying to communicate in your conversation. Some will benefit from writing their comments out and reading them. That is perfectly acceptable. The only thing that is not acceptable is to go in with emotions running rampant. I strongly suggest rehearsing the more difficult conversations with a trusted advisor as a way to practice. This may help you to prepare for unintended responses, release any emotion around what you have to say, and bolster your own confidence.
Fourthly, as we begin with the end in mind, it’s important to create conversation. This isn’t the “Do you understand what I am telling you?” type of question. Rather, it’s about asking what they are hearing, helping the other person to formulate in their own words what the core issue is. It’s also inviting them to be part of the solution by inquiring about what type of ideas they may have to ensure different outcomes in the future.
Lastly, the goal of a confrontation ought always to be resolution and restoration. This is not an outlet for an unchecked release of feelings or frustrations. It’s perfectly acceptable and appropriate to acknowledge feelings in hard conversations, but they serve only as part of it, and not the whole. As the conversation begins to wind down, you’ll want to intentionally bring the conversation to a conclusion by recapping what was discussed and scheduling any follow up meetings or action items. Be sure to actually follow up on these. This brings closure for everyone and eases everyone’s ability to move forward.
So next time you need to have a hard conversation, remember that the other person is a human, be specific in your feedback, prepare more than you think you need to, use questions to create a conversation, and seek resolution.